Tom Goes to the Mayor 1x9

Directed by

David Cross as Todd (voice)

Todd and Tom try to make a show. Tom invents a calculator with a unicorn on top, which ends up ruining thousands of people's lives.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. - HI. I'M THE MAYOR,

2. AND MY DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN FOR YOU!

3. - MY NAME IS TOM PETERS,

4. AND I'M FULL OF IDEAS!

5. - COMMUNITY SPIRIT!

6. - HOW ARE YOU? - HA HA!

7. - SHOPPING!

8. FOOD!

9. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

10. - HI THERE. UH, TOM PETERS.

11. UH, WE'RE HERE...

12. - HERE STANDS TOM PETERS AWAITING COUNSEL FROM THE MAYOR.

13. TOM IS A SMALL, FEMININE LOOKING MAN NOT USED TO SUCCESS.

14. - TODD, JUST... LET'S TAKE A TWO ON THAT.

15. MORE ABOUT ME BEING AN ENTREPRENEUR.

16. - HEY, NO FILMING IN CITY OFFICES WITHOUT A PERMIT, GUYS.

17. - IT'S—IT'S OK. I'M A FILMMAKER.

18. - HE'S MY WIFE'S EX-HUSBAND.

19. HE'S, YOU KNOW, THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN.

20. - OK, BULL'S-EYE. HERE WE GO.

21. - AAH! OW, OW, OW, OW!

22. - MAYOR'S OFFICE.

23. IT'S TOM PETERS.

24. - HELLO, TOM. I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

25. JUST TRYING TO PICK A NEW NAME FOR THE BRIDGE WE'RE BUILDING.

26. - OH. NOT A PROBLEM.

27. JUST LET ME GET SOME RUBBING ALCOHOL ON THIS.

28. DO YOU MIND IF WE FILM IN HERE?

29. - TOM IS REDUCED TO BEGGING

30. FOR PERMISSION FROM THE MAYOR TO FILM.

31. WHAT IF THE MAYOR DENIES HIM?

32. TOM COWERS IN FEAR WAITING FOR AN ANSWER.

33. - OH, MOVIE SHOOT.

34. - WELL, SORT OF. WE'RE SHOOTING A PILOT

35. FOR A REALITY-BASED SHOW CALLED "MI$TER ENTREPRENEUR."

36. - INTERESTING. I LIKE IT. WHO'S YOUR LEADING MAN?

37. - WELL, THE PILOT FEATURES ME. WE'LL SEE HOW THAT GOES.

38. YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST REALLY A SPEC PILOT FOR NOW.

39. IT'S NOT MUCH.

40. - WELL, IN THAT CASE, I BETTER GET INTO MAKEUP.

41. - NO, NO. IT SHOULD JUST BE CANDID.

42. SO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

43. - TOM, ONCE AGAIN, IS CAUGHT IN THE LION'S DEN WAITING—

44. I'M SORRY. CUT! CUT! CUT!

45. ALL RIGHT, LOOK. I WAS REALLY PICTURING

46. A MORE NOIR LOOK FOR THIS LOCATION.

47. ALL RIGHT. CAN WE FLY IN SOME VENETIAN BLINDS

48. AND A SMOKE MACHINE? CAN WE GET A SMOKE MACHINE?

49. TOM, YOU'RE DOING FANTASTIC.

50. - TODD, COOL IT!

51. - OK, TOM, NOW HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

52. - OH, HEY. HANG ON. WHAT WAS THAT?

53. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THAT WAS. THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!

54. - OK. EVERYBODY JUST RELAX.

55. I KNOW IT'S EXCITING BEING ON SET, BUT ON THE SHOW,

56. WE WATCH ME GO THROUGH THE PROCESS OF CREATING,

57. SELLING, AND MARKETING A PRODUCT—

58. - RIGHT, TOM. I LIKE IT.

59. - OH, THIS IS GOLD. THIS IS GOLD. KEEP IT UP!

60. COME ON! THE CAMERA LOVES YOU!

61. TOM, THE CAMERA LOVES THIS GUY.

62. - SO I HAVE THIS THING CALLED A CALC-U-CORN.

63. IT'S A STATUE OF A UNICORN,

64. AND THE—AND THE CEMENT BASE HAS A CALCULATOR IN IT.

65. - WONDERFUL, TOM.

66. - AND CUT! THAT'S A TAKE. GREAT WORK, GUYS.

67. - TODD, I'M NOT DONE. JUST KEEP ROLLING.

68. I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS, MR. MAYOR.

69. UM, SO PHASE II OF THE SHOW

70. WOULD BE THAT WE WOULD WATCH ME PRODUCE AN INFOMERCIAL,

71. SO I'M GONNA BE DOING THAT TOMORROW

72. AND I WANTED TO SEE IF YOU'D WANT TO BE A PART OF IT.

73. - UM... OF COURSE I'LL BE A PART OF IT.

74. - TODD, LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING

75. THE FIRST PASS OF THE SHOW.

76. TODD, NO! COME ON!

77. AAH! OH!

78. - PAUSE IT. PAUSE IT. PAUSE IT RIGHT NOW.

79. - WHAT DO YOU THINK, TIGER? ARE WE IN BUSINESS OR WHAT?

80. - WELL, IT'S NOT REALLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

81. - THIS IS FRESH. THIS HAS AN ATTITUDE.

82. I THINK THIS IS THE WAY TO GO.

83. - WELL, WOULD YOU BE UP FOR SOME NOTES?

84. YOU KNOW, JUST TRY AND CURB SOME OF THE HUMOROUS STUFF.

85. DO YOU—DO YOU—

86. - UH...

87. - ADD A STYLISH TOUCH TO YOUR LIVING ROOM OR DESK SET.

88. - CALC-U-CORN!

89. - IT'S AS EASY TO USE AS A CALCULATOR.

90. IT'S LIGHT AS A NEWBORN BABY.

91. CALCULATE LARGE NUMBERS

92. WITH THE HELP OF THE WORLD'S MOST MYTHICAL BEAST.

93. THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT

94. FROM CALC-U-CORN, INCORPORATED.

95. - TAKE TWO. WE ON?

96. HELLO, MY NAME IS TOM PETERS,

97. AND I'M STANDING HERE WITH THE MAYOR OF JEFFERTON.

98. - HI, TOM. I'M SO GLAD TO BE HERE

99. PROMOTING THIS WONDERFUL PRODUCT WITH YOU.

100. HAVE YOU GOTTEN A CHANCE

101. TO PLAY AROUND WITH THE CALC-U-CORN?

102. - ABSOLUTELY, TOM.

103. - TELL YOU WHAT I'D LOVE TO DO.

104. LET'S GET SOME RANDOM NUMBERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

105. AND GIVE THIS SUCKER A TEST DRIVE.

106. - OK. WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY, AUDIENCE?

107. - HOW ABOUT ANOTHER ONE?

108. - OK. WELL, THE FIRST THING I DO IS

109. I JUST PLUG IT INTO ANY WALL OUTLET. NOT A PROBLEM.

110. TURN THE ON SWITCH ON.

111. - OF COURSE.

112. - TAKE CARE OF THAT.

113. NOW I'M GONNA TAKE THE NUMBER 759...

114. - FINE.

115. - AND WE'LL HIT THE PLUS BUTTON,

116. AND AFTER THAT, I'M GONNA PUT IN 487.

117. AND WE'LL PRESS THE EQUAL SIGN.

118. NOW ALL YOU DO IS PULL THE STRING

119. ON THE BACK OF THE UNICORN AND WAIT FOR YOUR ANSWER.

120. - TERRIFIC, TOM.

121. OOH, AAH, OOH!

122. - CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?

123. - IT'S JUST THAT EASY.

124. - IT'S SO GREAT.

125. - OH, TERRIFIC.

126. - SAY, TOM, I'VE HEARD THAT THIS CALC-U-CORN

127. CAN DO YOUR TAXES WITH THE PRESS OF A BUTTON.

128. - GREAT ONE, MAYOR.

129. - WHAT? NO. NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

130. - AND I ALSO HEARD IT COULD TELL TIME.

131. - NO, IT'S JUST A CALCULATOR.

132. COME ON. JUST STICK TO THE CARDS, PLEASE.

133. - I AM.

134. - CALC-U-CORN PRODUCTION IS UNDERWAY.

135. TOM'S PLAN IS WORKING, BUT FOR HOW LONG?

136. CAN TOM MANAGE TO HANG ON TO THE WIDOW'S PEAK OF SUCCESS

137. OR WILL HE TUMBLE LIKE A BOULDER DOWN THE MOUNTAINSIDE?

138. A SAFE MAN'S BET IS FOR THE LATTER.

139. - TODD, COME ON. JEEZ.

140. A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT WOULDN'T HURT.

141. - HEY, LET ME DO A QUICK IN-CAMERA EDIT HERE.

142. - HEY, TOM. HOW'S THE MOVIE COMING ALONG?

143. - OK, I GUESS.

144. IT'S ACTUALLY A WHOLE HECK-LOAD OF WORK, THOUGH.

145. - SO, HOW ARE MY CALC-U-CORNS DOING?

146. - CUT! CUT! CUT!

147. OH, GOD! I HATE THE LIGHTING OUT HERE!

148. I WISH I HAD A STROBE LIGHT.

149. YEAH. THIS SCENE NEEDS MORE DRAMA.

150. HOLD, PLEASE. LET'S RESET THE LIGHTS.

151. GUYS, THIS SCENE IS PLAYING OUT GREAT.

152. HOLD THAT ENERGY.

153. - UH, SORRY ABOUT THAT, MAYOR.

154. THE CALC-U-CORNS ARE DOING GREAT, ACTUALLY.

155. LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA BE A REALLY TERRIFIC FIRST QUARTER.

156. I JUST SHIPPED OUT HIS HUGE ORDER—ABOUT 300 UNITS.

157. - OH! WELL, THAT WAS ME.

158. I ORDERED THEM FOR THE BRIDGE PEOPLE,

159. PAUL CHILD'S CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL,

160. AND A BAKER'S DOZEN FOR THE CITY COUNCIL.

161. - OH, JEEZ, UH—

162. - AAAAAAAA...

163. NNNNNNN... D ACTION!

164. - OH, GEE. I HOPE THEY DON'T BITE OUR BUTTS HERE.

165. I JUST HAVEN'T PUT THE CORNS

166. THROUGH SOME OF THE PRODUCT TESTING THAT I REALLY WANTED TO.

167. YOU KNOW, THEY'RE SORT OF MORE FOR KIDS.

168. - TOM, DON'T WORRY. WE FEATURED THIS THING ON TV.

169. SO WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WRONG WITH IT?

170. - CUT! CUT! THAT IS A— THAT'S A LAUNCHER.

171. - OK, LET ME SEE HERE.

172. 8 PLUS 8.

173. - 18.

174. - WAIT. WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?

175. - I WAS JUST FOOLING AROUND WITH THE CALC-U-CORN.

176. YOU KNOW, I PUT IN 8 PLUS 8, AND IT GAVE ME 18.

177. - NO, NO.

178. - WELL, THAT'S WHAT SHE'S SAYING.

179. - OH, LET ME CRUNCH SOME NUMBERS HERE.

180. NO, SHIRT. IT SHOULD BE MORE AROUND 16.

181. THAT'S NOT GOOD. IT'S GIVING YOU 18?

182. - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, TOM.

183. I'M SURE PEOPLE ARE JUST USING THESE THINGS FOR GUESTIMATES.

184. - THAT'S IT, FELLAS. LINE HER UP TO, UH...

185. - 77.

186. - 77 DEGREES.

187. - YOU'RE ON. GO.

188. WE'RE ON THE AIR. GO! SPEAK!

189. THE STILL UNNAMED JEFFERTON BRIDGE

190. IS SUFFERING ONE OF THE BIGGEST BRIDGING DISASTERS

191. IN RECENT MEMORY.

192. - CONSTRUCTION FIRM PARCEL, POWER, AND MOLIN

193. MISCALCULATED ON A TREMENDOUS NUMBER OF STRUCTURAL ELEMENTS.

194. SPOKESPERSON FROM THE FIRM

195. BLAMES ENTREPRENEUR TOM PETERS' BRAND-NEW ENGINEERING DEVICE

196. CALLED THE CALC-U-CORN FOR THE MISTAKES.

197. - WE'RE ALSO GETTING WORD THAT OUR VERY OWN CHANNEL 5 NEWS

198. TECHNICAL TEAM HAS BEEN AFFECTED BY THE CALC-U-CORN,

199. WHICH MAY EXPLAIN WHY WE'VE BEEN HAVING SOME TECHNICAL PROBLEMS

200. DURING TONIGHT'S BROADCAST.

201. - BUT JAN, YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.

202. - WILL YOU STOP? WE'RE ON TELEVISION.

203. I OWE YOU A ROMANTIC WEEKEND.

204. LET'S GO LIVE TO GULLIVER'S WHERE TOM PETERS

205. IS TESTIFYING BEFORE CITY COUNCIL AS WE SPEAK.

206. - TOM STANDS BEFORE THE CITY COUNCIL.

207. HIS HAIR-BRAINED PRODUCT

208. HAS RUINED LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE'S LIVES.

209. A BRIDGE CONNECTS TO THIN AIR. A DOCTOR MURDERS A PATIENT.

210. HOW WILL TOM EXPLAIN HIMSELF?

211. UM, CAN WE—AHEM—CAN WE—AHEM— CAN WE PROCEED HERE, PLEASE?

212. NOW, THEN, MR. PETERS—

213. - IF I COULD JUST—

214. - YOU WANT TO GO AHEAD, PLEASE, AND EXPLAIN

215. WHY THERE WERE NO PROCEDURES SET UP TO PREVENT THESE ERRORS

216. THAT APPARENTLY ARE IN YOUR CALC-U-CORN?

217. - OH HO, NOW THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

218. TOM MUST PAY THE PIPER.

219. OH, I'D LOVE TO DO THIS AS A CRANE SHOT.

220. HEY, IS THERE ANY WAY WE CAN GET A CRANE IN HERE?

221. MAYBE A JIB ARM? MAYBE—

222. - CRICKETS!

223. TODD, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP FILMING FOR A SECOND!

224. GET THE CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE!

225. I AM SO SORRY, CITY COUNCIL. I'M SORRY I'M YELLING!

226. YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE WITH YOUR STUPID TV SHOW!

227. I WANT YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE!

228. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY THIS THING DOESN'T WORK!

229. I DON'T KNOW HOW CALCULATORS WORK.

230. FOR PETE'S SAKE, THIS WAS JUST MEANT FOR CHILDREN!

231. NOT BRIDGES OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

232. MAYBE IT WAS THE GLUE!

233. I'M SO SORRY I'M YELLING, MR. CITY COUNCILMAN!

234. I CAN'T STOP!

235. - SHUSH, SHUSH, SHUSH, THOMAS.

236. SHH. SETTLE. SETTLE. SETTLE. SETTLE.

237. I THINK I HAVE A SOLUTION FOR BOTH YOUR PROBLEMS.

238. - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE OPENING

239. OF THE TOM PETERS MEMORIAL WHAT THE HECK? BRIDGE.

240. THIS HILARIOUS NON-WORKING BRIDGE FEATURES 10 SHOWS A DAY.

241. NOW, LET'S WATCH THE AMAZING DIVING UNICORN DO HIS SHOW.

242. - THE CONTINUING JOURNEY OF "MI$TER ENTREPRENEUR."

243. WILL HE DIVE HEAD-FIRST INTO THE NEXT BUSINESS VENTURE

244. OR WILL THE PRESSURE OF SUCCESS

245. LEAVE HIM DROWNING IN THE DEEP END?

246. - OK. HERE I GO.

247. AAH!

248. - ANYONE? ANYONE UP THERE?

249. TODD? COME ON. THIS SUIT IS MAKING ME SINK.

250. THAT'S THE ONLY ISSUE I HAVE WITH IT RIGHT NOW.

251. - AND SO, IN THE END, TOM PETERS,

252. MARKETING GENIUS, REINVENTOR, PROVED TO BE AHEAD OF HIS TIME.

253. - BRAVO, TODD. WHAT A GREAT MOVIE.

254. - I ACTUALLY HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH IT.

255. - WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

256. - ... TO RECAPITALIZE ON ITS TRUE ESSENCE.

257. TOM PETERS IS "MI$TER ENTREPRENEUR."

258. CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP

259. CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

260. —www.ncicap.org—

261. - CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT!

262. CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT!