Whose Line Is It Anyway? 7x3

1. (Drew Carey) 'Good evening, everybody'

2. 'and welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"'

3. 'On tonight's show... "He's so groovy" Greg Proops.'

4. '"He's way cool" Wayne Brady.'

5. '"Shyaaw!" Colin Mochrie.'

6. 'And "As if" Ryan Stiles.'

7. I'm your host, Drew Carey. Come on, let's have some fun.

8. Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

9. The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

10. That's right. If the points were Barbies, they'd be Midge.

11. Midge is Barbie's unpopular friend.

12. Let's get the show going, I'll show you how it works.

13. We'll start with a game called Award Show.

14. It's for all four of you, the Award Show.

15. Greg and Wayne... are gonna be two presenters in an award show.

16. However, this is not a entertainment award show

17. it's an award show for the Best Bitter Divorce.

18. Take it away, Greg and Wayne.

19. What a pleasure to be here tonight

20. invited to give out the award for the Most Bitter Divorce.

21. Right, Wayne?

22. Right?

23. - Wayne. Yes! - Wayne.

24. Yes, Greg. You are absolutely right.

25. - A divorce ca— - Thank you.

26. There's no need for all divorces to be brutal

27. and horrible, but thank goodness that these were... were.

28. Because without bitter divorces

29. there couldn't be ugly settlements

30. and then huge alimony payments.

31. So let's get right down to it, Greg.

32. Alright. Here are the couples nominated for Bitterest Divorce

33. of the Year.

34. First, Gwendoline and Ted Abernathy for..

35. "I burned all your clothes and I set fire to your Camaro."

36. (Wayne Brady) 'Our second nominees, Yolanda and Makumba Johnson.'

37. 'For..."Oh, no you did it.'

38. '"Why's she calling you at all times in the morning?'

39. Don't give me that crap about you work with her."

40. Our third nominee for bitterest divorce

41. is Drella and Grunch Hop Shebops

42. for "Secretary, my ass."'

43. And the winners are the Shebops.

44. Yes!

45. You go, I'll follow you. Just go!

46. Thank you. I brought my lawyer with me.

47. Thank God, 'cause we're sleeping together now.

48. You're sleeping with my husband?

49. - I'm sorry. - How does that work out?

50. Return, please.

51. Well..

52. I'm a little white for you.

53. Well, I don't know what to say.

54. I think everything that needs to be said

55. has been said several times, over a phone, in an angry voice.

56. Just look at me like always

57. like I don't know what I'm saying.

58. - No, it's just strange— - Take the statue.

59. - You're gonna get it anyway. - I will.

60. I'm takin' this.

61. - Oh, you wish. - No, that's mine.

62. I-I-I saw that first.

63. I just never seen you move this much.

64. Maybe if you had some hair.

65. Go ahead.

66. You.

67. - Anyway, thank you. - Thank you very much.

68. Thousand points for our confused friend here in the audience.

69. (Drew Carey) 'Thanks a lot.'

70. That was funny.

71. Got confusing. I didn't know who the wife or the husband was.

72. It was scary there for a minute. Yeah, that's okay.

73. Now, we're gonna move on to a game called Press Conference.

74. It's for all four of you. Greg, Ryan and Wayne.

75. 'Uh, newspapers reporting.'

76. 'Our newspaper reporting, uh, newspaper reporters'

77. attending a press conference held by Colin

78. but Colin doesn't know who he is.

79. We do, it's on this card here.

80. Wha-wha-what? Oh, my goodness.

81. Colin has to guess who he is, based on the questions.

82. Take it away!

83. Well, thank you very much for joining me

84. at this press conference.

85. I realize this a major news event and I'm here..

86. to answer any and all questions.

87. So, please, feel free.

88. - Yes, sir? - Uh, Bill Philips.

89. (Colin) 'Hi, Bill.'

90. What came over you?

91. Guess I had a sense of boredom.

92. I wanted to, I wanted to do something different

93. and this is something I've been thinking about

94. since I was a child really and..

95. I was glad that I finally had a chance to do it.

96. Yes?

97. Manuel Smith, the Daily Conquistador.

98. Hi, Manuel.

99. Um, so, did you do it two by two?

100. Oh, no, no, no. I did it by myself.

101. Yes.

102. Barney Wineblood, World Wildlife Federation News.

103. Hi, Barney.

104. Even the pandas?

105. Hey! How were they gonna learn?

106. When this feeling came over you, you should've just said

107. the first part of your name. Just say the first part.

108. Jus?

109. 'Yes?'

110. Exactly how long is a cubit?

111. A cubit, uh, is about, uh, 40 lengths.

112. - 40 lengths? - 'Yeah.'

113. A cubit is 40 lengths.

114. And what am I? Mr. Measure Things?

115. Yeah?

116. Shouldn't you have packed more provisions

117. so you wouldn't have to take it out on the elephants?

118. Let me tell you something about elephants. They ask for it.

119. Yeah.

120. How did you get down off the mountain?

121. The usual way, with a ladder and a six pack.

122. Yes.

123. Did you give no thought to the fact that maybe

124. we would have liked to have seen the unicorn?

125. You think I care?

126. Hey! Here's your unicorn.

127. Um, with an attitude like that, why were you the chosen one?

128. Because I had the boat.

129. Obviously, he got this about five questions ago.

130. Colin, who are you and what did you do?

131. - I'm Noah. - 'Right.'

132. And I, uh... ate some of the animals.

133. All of the animals.

134. Thousand points to Colin for pretending

135. like he didn't know what's going on

136. even though five questions ago he figured it out.

137. "One of you from the audience's suggestion"

138. "of a new year's resolution that would improve

139. your health or appearance."

140. Stop drinking!

141. (Drew Carey) 'Stop drinking! Good for you.'

142. Stop drinking! So, Ryan and Colin come on up here.

143. You're gonna do an infomercial for us.

144. Using all the items in the box.

145. Showing us how these items will help us all stop drinking.

146. Take it away, Ryan and Colin.

147. - Hey, what time is it? - I believe it's 3 o'clock.

148. Well, that means it's time to shop, shop, shop.

149. Hello, everyone!

150. - I'm Jimmy! - I'm... not!

151. And it's time to shop, shop, shop.

152. Hey, can some of you see us out there?

153. - Hello, hello, hello, hello. - Hello, been partying?

154. How many of you are layin' on the floor drunk right now?

155. And it's time to stop, your liver needs some help.

156. Give your liver a break! Liver let die!

157. I think people would stop drinkin' if they knew

158. what they look like when they were drunk.

159. I think you're absolutely correct, Ryan.

160. It's difficult finding a mirror when you're drunk.

161. Sometimes it's impossible!

162. But, that's why we have this handy little device.

163. You simply make a photocopy of your head and paste it on this.

164. This is what you look like sober.

165. This is what you look like drunk.

166. Which would you rather be?

167. Of course..

168. Of course, this is what you look like drunk in an earthquake.

169. That's it.

170. Hey, what's that odd looking thing?

171. - I'm gonna tell you. - Alright.

172. This stops you from having more than one drink.

173. - Does it? - Yes. You put your drinks here.

174. - When you go for another one.. - Oh my gosh!

175. It's just that simple. And also Halloween..

176. R2-D2.

177. Wow!

178. - Hey, Col. - Yeah?

179. - What's that look like to you? - That looks like a brush.

180. That's right.

181. You know..

182. Sometimes we have to go the hard way.

183. Hmm.

184. Sometimes we have to pull the drink right out of you.

185. And using Ryan as my willing subject

186. I'll show you just how exactly that happens.

187. Why don't we do it in the mouth this time?

188. No, no, no, no, no!

189. It's flame. Makes flame that thing.

190. 'It's supposed to.'

191. No, it's fine.

192. I think we know. It's alright.

193. 'Yes.'

194. Huh! Someone wants their own show.

195. I wasn't kiddin' about that. I've seen it in catalogues.

196. It's for lighting flames

197. when you're outdoors or for your fireplaces.

198. Well he's putting it right in your mouth

199. he's about to crank it, and I was like "No!"

200. If I had a nickel for every time that's happened.

201. 'Yeah.'

202. Be right back with more "Whose Line" so don't go away.

203. Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

204. Hey, while we were gone, I lost another five pounds. It's great.

205. Now, we're gonna play a game for Ryan and Colin.

206. Come on down here, Ryan and Colin

207. and let me go up to the audience.

208. - Hi. - Hi!

209. - What's your name? - Lynn.

210. - Lynn? - Yes.

211. - Come on down here, Lynn. - 'Alright, Lynn!'

212. - What's your name? - Mary.

213. Mary? Come on down here, Mary.

214. Lynn and Mary.

215. Come up, stand right here and here, won't you?

216. Grab the microphone. Here we go, Mary, stand right here.

217. (Drew Carey) 'There you go, this is Lynn and Mary.'

218. 'We're gonna do a game called Sound Effects.

219. What happens is Ryan and Colin are gonna do a scene for us

220. and you're gonna do the sound effects.

221. Lynn, you're gonna do the sound effects for Ryan.

222. 'Mary, you're gonna do the sound effects for Colin.'

223. Here's the scene. Ryan and Colin are two Musketeers.

224. Who are with their French speaking third Musketeer.

225. They're getting ready to ride off to a heavily-guarded castle

226. to spring the Man in the Iron Mask from the dungeon.

227. - With our third French— - 'That's what it says here.'

228. 'Ryan and Colin are two Musketeers'

229. 'with there French-speaking third Musketeer.'

230. 'Saving the Man in the Iron Mask. Take it away.'

231. - Oh, pretty good. - Alright!

232. - We have a mission. - I know.

233. All for one!

234. And one for all!

235. Clang!

236. My sword, it is limp.

237. Whoo-whoo-whoo.

238. Where is Porthos? Where is our third Musketeer?

239. I don't know. He has not come by yet.

240. Oh, there he is!

241. Hi, how are you?

242. - Oh, bit of a cold. - No, no, he must speak.

243. Speak to us, Porthos.

244. - 'Hello.' - Hi.

245. Put Porthos in your pocket and we shall be on our way.

246. - Can you see? - 'Yes.'

247. Alright!

248. Let's mount our trusty steeds.

249. - Let me get that for you. - Please.

250. (Mary) 'Giddyup. Giddyup.'

251. Do you mind?

252. Who's driving?

253. I am!

254. Hyah!

255. Perhaps..

256. Perhaps, we should not be riding on the hardwood floor.

257. Perhaps!

258. There are heroes coming from miles away.

259. - Look there's a castle. - A castle. Woah!

260. Oh, sorry.

261. Ah! It's a drawbridge. We must get it down somehow.

262. I'm sorry, I thought you were Italian.

263. How can we get it down?

264. Ah! Hand me that rope.

265. - The rope? - Yes.

266. - La rope. - Oui.

267. Tie it around my sword.

268. You tie like a sissy.

269. I'm going to throw and cut the ropes of the drawbridge.

270. Oh, it sounds loud.

271. Let's not anticipate.

272. 'Plunk!'

273. Try again.

274. Be careful. Because when I cut the ropes the drawbridge

275. will fall down and make a big noise.

276. - I know. - Alright.

277. 'Ba-doom!'

278. Oh!

279. - Oh! - What?

280. They've heard it. They sounded the alarm! The alarm!

281. No! Don't, don't, don't!

282. - Porthos, what should we do? - 'Run!'

283. We don't run. We're not going to run!

284. Thank you. Thank you very much.

285. Thanks, Mary. Thank you very much.

286. I suppose you spend a lot of hours as kids

287. doin' sound effects to each other.

288. Are you guys friends?

289. - We're sisters. - 'You're sisters.'

290. Oh! How about that?

291. 'Thanks. That was really great.'

292. 'Lynn and Mary, everybody.'

293. Alright, we shall go on with a game called..

294. Irish Drinking Song.

295. It's for everybody.. With Laura Hall on the piano.

296. Uh, what I need is a suggestion from the audience.

297. "Something that really changed your life."

298. - 'Having a baby.' - 'Puberty!'

299. First car. Thank you very much.

300. - First car. - First car.

301. Your first car, Irish Drinking Song.

302. Now what happens, they're gonna make up an Irish Drinking Song

303. for us, one line at a time, about getting your first car.

304. 'Take it away, guys.'

305. Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.

306. We'll be right back, find out who the winner is.

307. Don't go away.

308. Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

309. Tonight's winner... Greg Proops.

310. Ah! The rest of us are gonna do a game called Props.

311. Let's have our props, Greg.

312. - Here you go, buddy. - That's for me and Wayne.

313. Oh good. There's two.

314. We go back and forth, thinking of fun things

315. to do with these props.

316. Starting with Ryan and Colin.

317. Hello, Cousin Itch!

318. Danger, Will Robinson. Danger, danger.

319. - Fill up, sir? - Yes, please.

320. - The car. - Uh-huh.

321. Welcome to House Party 4.

322. - What's up, man? - What's up with you?

323. - How you doin', man? - I don't know.

324. - Yeah. For real? - For real. For real.

325. Okay, doctor, so, I'm cleaning out the wastebasket.

326. - Right? - Yeah!

327. And I lose my—

328. Here comes the ski lift.

329. It's to stop me from licking myself.

330. (both) Ricola!

331. When you've been in burlesque as long as I have

332. you spend a fortune on tassels.

333. Hey, I want that toy. Click!

334. Come on, Barney, yabba dabba doo!

335. We'll be right back for more "Whose Line Is It"..

336. so don't go away.

337. Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

338. Tonight everybody'll read the credits for you to end the show.

339. I want you to read the credits

340. as if you're at a Jimmy Stewart sound-alike convention.

341. Thanks a lot, everybody. Goodnight.